Daily Student

One of my nephews favorite place to go is Piedmont park (or any park really).
Not just for the various playground options, but just to wander and wonder.
He picks up leaves and looks at the patterns; he can spy the most unnoticed beauties of creation.
He has an eye for the hidden treasures of this world.
This past week, I took him and his brother out hoping they would run and use up some energy (and selfishly that I would get a breath of fresh air and give my mind some rest from a very stressful week).
But naturally, this mind doesn't rest.
We did our regular routine of playground, baseball (with stick and acorns), the other playground, tree climbing, and finally a visit with the ducks.
As we crossed the bridge and made our way onto the gazebo that sits on the water, the boys eagerly leaned over to awe at the ducks, as if they hadn't seen them 7,429 times before.
We sat on the gazebo wall, wishing we had some bread crumbs to share with our friends.
Out of a quick silence, my dear observant nephew, in the sweetest tone, softly said, "Look at how different they all are! That one is a brown duck, that one is a white duck, that one has green feathers, that one has grey and white feathers! That one has a mohawk! And that one is a geese! And they are all friends and have a home together!"
That was all it took.
A four year old boy sees the differences and he doesn't ignore them, rather, he delights in them.
He points them out and the beauty of the individuality that each was created with.
He doesn't shame the one with the feathers sticking straight up, or the one that's smaller, or the plain white one that doesn't have as elaborate colors- he celebrates them all exactly how they were created.
And what an exquisite mosaic they make as they flow through the water, regarding one another and sharing their home.
You know my exact thoughts in this moment. They are the same thoughts you are having now.
We are an exquisite mosaic, different in shape and color, but spectacular in our individual creation.
How are we failing to see this bigger picture?
I wish there was a gazebo in the clouds that we could look down from and see the intricate designs that weave the tapestry of humanity. I wish we could see through the eyes of a child, just how simple it could be to deliberately choose to flow through this world, regarding one another as equally necessary and purposed as ourselves. I wish we could see difference and choose to see it as beautiful, not intimidating.
Love is a choice. It doesn't come naturally, that is what makes it all the more powerful- when we choose to love when we have every reason not to.

But is there ever a truly good enough reason not to love?

As the Watchman Waits

People have asked me what my blog title is about, so I thought I'd do some explaining: 

Throughout the Old Testament, there are numerous allegories of watchmen waiting at their post in anticipation for the sun to rise; always on their guard through the night, but in hope to see the sun so that they may rest. 

My favorite of these references is found in Psalm 130:

Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord;
Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
    to my cry for mercy.
 If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,
    Lord, who could stand?
 But with you there is forgiveness,
    so that we can, with reverence, serve you.
 I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
    and in his word I put my hope.
 I wait for the Lord
    more than watchmen wait for the morning,
    more than watchmen wait for the morning.
Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
    for with the Lord is unfailing love
    and with him is full redemption.
 He himself will redeem Israel
    from all their sins.

Psalm 130

These watchmen are an example of the Church.

We are watchmen over the city; on guard through the night, anticipating the coming of the Son. We wait anxiously, awaiting His return, knowing that we will not find rest until that time.  

This blog is written for the Christian; for those waiting in anticipation for Jesus, struggling through this night of life, clinging to the promise of dawn. It is for my fellow watchmen who are seeking to be faithful to their King in their duties to guard, protect, warn, and prepare their city. We who are weary in this long night, we who desire to serve our King and His nation correctly, we who long to be identified as steadfast servants, we who crave to hear "Well done" at the Son's long expected return. 

I am a watchman for this world.

Jesus has left me with the duty of guarding this world, warning it from harm, protecting it from the enemy's destructive plans, and preparing it for His return. 
He has called you, Christian, to the same.
And I'll tell you what, this job is no joke.

As a young Christian, it is difficult to not only live in this world, but to love it through serving it the ways my Commander has taught me. 
The city is stubborn, caught up in it's own ways, full of arrogance yet naive to the realities of the danger it faces. 

But, regardless of it's stature, we must be steadfast to serve it, lead it, and love it. Correctly.

Correctly is a key word in the equation.
It takes the relativity from it's high horse that has taken charge of the common mind. 
My God's love is not relative, therefore our love should not be as well. 
More importantly, my God doesn't love according to our (current understanding of) love, He loves us with His perfect, correct form of love.
He in His perfect creating of it, knows exactly how to act upon it; how to put the perfection of the word into perfecting the action. 

Like all perfect, good and beautiful ideas that God creates, we take and pervert them in our own shallow understanding- hence why love has become a relative term. 

We are called to love this world correctly, and we have failed to do so. You know this.

So, how do we love correctly? How do we wake up from dozing, rise to our post, and do our duties correctly? How do we keep one another alert and eager yet patient and gracious as we struggle through this difficult yet honorable position? 

I do not have the answers, but I know who does.
In this waiting, I put my struggles before you, brothers and sisters, from my thoughts to my words to my keyboard, hoping that we will yearn to do this correctly, and strive to act like the people that Christ has died for.

"More than the watchmen wait for the morning,

       More than the watchmen wait for the morning."

"He Himself is our Peace"

So to begin my year, I have been going through Ephesians for my personal devotion time.
Have you read this stuff??
It's insane!
I've read through this book many times, but for this season of life God is truly sanctifying my heart in  new ways through some incredible truths.

Reading Chapter two shook me to my core yesterday; convicting me and compelling me.
I have been so disobedient to my Jesus.


I posted a photo last week of my feet on a Japanese train station platform. During my time home, I was taking a series of photos of "patterns from my past", and the dotted yellow lines are ones that flooded my mind with memories of my childhood. The yellow line represents the barrier you are suppose to stand behind as the train comes.
My sweet sister pointed out to me that this photo represents my "Straddling the lines, pushing limits, embracing a little rebellion..." My stubborn heart is evident to all. It's a characteristic that can be both a strength and a weakness (most characteristics are this way).
This year, I plan on harnessing this characteristic in my blogging. I have been told in the past that I'm not allowed to speak on certain topics for petty reasonings. But I'm officially calling BS on that.
Christ has been pressing on my heart for over a year to speak on difficult topics; controversial topics that need to be discussed. I have been disobedient because of the fear of people's responses and critiques, it has kept me quiet on so many issues I feel compelled to speak on.
I will stubbornly (but lovingly) choose to obey my Jesus and not the world (a struggle I have had).
So here I go, straddling the line, pushing limits, and embracing my rebellious nature for the sake of keeping myself and others uncomfortable with the state we are in. Topics of controversy are some of my favorite, because I feel they are ones that hold the deepest sheltered truths- thus people wish to keep those truths unexposed for the sake of "comfortability". Let's get uncomfortable. Let's discuss difficult topics. Let's break down these barriers that we refuse to acknowledge. Let's flee from the pathetic estate of being a culture that merely "tolerates" one another and seek to be a culture that LOVES one another despite differences- that can't be done when we are too afraid to discuss differences.
So, with humility and love and with hope in truth and the power that it holds, I invite you to join me in some terrifying and uncomfortable conversations that are long overdue.
My hope is in Christs ability to bring unity through His redemption and His ability to reconcile what is broken in me, in you, and in this world.
Yesterday, as I feasted on Ephesians, my heart was so freed in the beautiful truths of chapter 2 verses 14-16.
"For He Himself is our peace, who has made the two one, and has destroyed barriers, the dividing wall of hostility... His purpose was to create in Himself one new man out of the two, thus making peace, and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which He put to death their hostility."
This is what Jesus has for us, this peace was His full purpose.
With this knowledge, how can I not strive to obtain what Jesus has in store for this world?
Through Him, and Him only, can these differences be discussed and dismembered for the sake of peace. Gods peace is not the lack of conflict, but rather the love and grace expressed amidst conflict.
So as we seek this peace, we have to acknowledge that differences shouldn't be seen as barriers to cause hostility, but rather greater reason to cling to Jesus to bring unity despite differences.
I need to cling to Jesus. My heart struggles so much with what differs from me, but I believe that as I cling to Jesus, He will help me to love more and more what I do not understand.
I believe He will do that for each of us as we all cling to Him and cling to His promise of restoring our brokenness.
In the knowledge that topics being discussed may bring strife, I will be praying (and hope you pray with me) that our ultimate and common goal would be loving and gracious discussion that respresents the peace that Ephesians is talking about. Through Christ and Christ alone can these barriers be brought down. 

Forehead Kisses

Elliot loves me.

This is the first time a man has told me he loves me (in a romantic way) and I have believed him.
I've been told by men that they love me, but there was always greater reason not to believe it than to believe those overused, man-perverted words (because human kind perverts all that God has deemed good and beautiful, that's just what we do in our fallen state).

The first time he told me, I couldn't sleep that night, because I didn't know what to do with the feelings that he was having. I didn't know how to respond, I didn't know how to process, I didn't know how to return it because I wasn't at the same place he was emotionally. So I told him I wasn't there yet and wanted him to check himself because I couldn't actually understand how he had fallen in love with this wreck of a human. I questioned, I challenged, and I fought it. And I'll never forget what he said in response to my doubt.

He said, "My love for you isn't something you need to understand now, or even ever. It is a gift, it is something you just get to receive."

That pissed me off.
Because I wanted to understand.

What a beautiful representation this is for me in my small, stupid mind.

For some unexplainable reason, the God of the universe chose to love me.
Not because He saw me fit to be loved, not because I earned His love, not because He needed my love in return... but just because.

We love to find reason for God's love the same way we seek ownership of other's love. Our pathetic human tendency is to prove our worthiness, even when we are not worthy at all. We desire the affirmation of ourselves more than the affirmation of something being "just because".
Though as Christians we know God loves us, we continues to prove to ourselves that we are worthy of it, and we fail to accept His reasoning of, "I love you just because."

I don't think genuine love needs a reason.

One time, early on in our relationship, Elliot was leaning down to give me a kiss and I tilted my head up to receive it on the lips. But he gently tilted it back down, shaking his head.
He leaned in and kissed me on my forehead.
I asked him why he kissed me there, and he said because it is a place for sacred kisses.
He explained that forehead kisses are earnest kisses of love, in the language of many men.
I looked this up and it's actually a thing.
Kisses on the lips expect a reply, an interaction. The man is giving with expectation of receiving.

When a man kisses a women's forehead, he doesn't seek anything in return. He is kissing her crown; loving her being, not what he can get from her being.
He's kissing her just because.
He's loving her just because.

When God made us the crown of His creation, He made us with the intention to love us.
He knew what we would be, He knew our love was conditional.
But His isn't.
He chose to love us, just because. He chooses to love us, just because.

His love for us isn't something for us to understand now, or even ever. It is a gift, it is something we get to receive and just sit in.

How wonderful it feels to just keep your chin down, to just receive those forehead kisses.
To not feel worthy of love, but to just be loved.

God loves me.
Not because I'm worthy of it, but because He said He would.
Not because He is only faithful to me, but because He is faithful to Himself and His covenant.

God loves you.
Not because you are worthy of it, because He said He would.
So drop your prideful head, and let Him kiss your crown.
Because you are the crown of His creation,
and He loves you
just because.

"Woke"

"You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep."

-Navajo Proverb                          

My mind has been racing this morning.

This quote has been on a carousal in my brain that won't seem to stop. 

In the popular 21st century ideology of social justice, there is a term "woke" that refers to understanding social and racial issues and it is primarily used to encourage people to wake up to the realities of the injustices that are taking place in this country/world and to educate ourselves on these painful truths.
Though this term fits the action that needs to take place, I never liked this term (especially because when I heard it most it was from friends saying, "You're pretty 'woke' for a white person", or "You're one of the most 'woke' white people I know"). One of the reason I never resonated with it is because it is associated with the popular secular idea of social justice, which, if you know me, you know I am not content with.  

Why?

Because it is inconsistent- but that doesn't need to be discussed right now.  

This morning, as I pondered on this quote, my mind wandered into this allegory of being awake and asleep.

If someone is actually asleep, you can shake them, scream in their ear, or throw water on them and they will wake up. You know the feeling, you go through it every day. Sometime we wake up on our own in a slow, gradual, peaceful mode, and sometimes we are startled into it. 

But if someone is pretending to be asleep, it doesn't matter if you shake them, scream, or throw water, they will continue pretending sleep because they are willing themselves into it.
For it is the will that keeps those eyes shut, nothing else.

So the question is, do people pretend sleep simply to avoid reality? 

(If you're like me, that carousal is starting to spin.)

We have all pretended to sleep before, so I know you can relate to this illustration. You keep your eyes loosely shut, trying to keep a relaxed face as not to smile, attempt to slow your breathing but finding it difficult to steady your racing heart. It doesn't matter if it's our mom, our lover, our child, someone at the door... we keep fake sleep to avoid the reality awaiting us beyond the thin veils of skin over our eyes.
When faced with the painful realities of this world, do we not do the same thing? We acknowledge and are aware of it's presents, but we refuse to open our eyes to see things for what they really are. For when we keep our eyes closed, we can stay in our own illusion of the reality that we are refusing to accept.

There are so many issues that I have kept my eyes closed to. My eyes were closed to the truth of who God is until grace was experienced and I saw the true beauty of Jesus. My eyes were closed to the truth of racism until I finally gave in to the quaking of this country falling apart because of it. My eyes were closed to the truth of white privilege until I recognized the privilege it was to even be sleeping at such a time as this.

But due to this grace that I speak of, I no longer desire to be asleep. These eyes are willingly open in desperate search of what I have been missing, seeking to find the absolute truth in absolutely everything.
I am a lover of truth- it is my hearts desire to ALWAYS align myself with truth. It is both a passion and a conviction.
I am a realist- an optimistic realist, but a realist.
For this reason, I want to be awake to the realities of this world. Even the ugly, unpleasant ones that are tempting to sleep on.

Surely you desire the same.
But I still think it is important to constantly challenge ourselves on what we might be closing our eyes to and where we might be living in a willful illusion.
What reality are you sleeping on?
Who's words and shaking are you avoiding?
What will it take for you to wake up?



Side thought:
Here is the thing about waking up; you recognize who else is awake and who is asleep. But for those who sleep, they can't recognize those who are awake.

Drowning

Some days,
I feel nothing at all.
Other days,
I feel everything at once.

I don't know what's worst:
Drowning beneath the waves
Or dying from the thirst.

-O.M.



The other day I told a friend that I feel just too damn much.
I say that with frustration, but also with joy.
Because it means that I am working;
It means that this heart of mine is doing exactly what it was designed to do.
The world hasn't manipulated it beyond the Makers repair.



  

Shame for Shade

Skin: the thing that holds us together and still pushes us apart.

I've been hating my skin a lot recently;
Hating the history of it's color, hating that with it is stamped privilege and supremacy.
Hating that it is the first thing seen through the eyes, the first box that we are placed in,
The softest cage that will ever hold us.
It is a cage that binds my mind and thoughts, one that puts hesitation on my lips.
A cage of white.
Because of white, I am told I may not speak on black, brown, red, or yellow.
Because of white, I am told my mind doesn't fathom the rainbow in this world.
Because of white, I must forever carry a shame of my shade.

Shame for shade,
It's nothing new.

I've been hurting for my black brothers and sisters a lot lately;
Hurting for the pain that I'll never understand, hurting that empathy will never be enough.
Hurting in the realization of the generational pain and anger that flows through blood.
The deepest pain that will ever hold you.
It is a pain that binds your mind and heart, one that puts anger on your lips.
The pain of the past.

Because of black, you were forced from your home, sold for labor, bled this land.
Because of black, you could not speak.
Because of black, you were hung from trees.
Because of black, you were ignored.
Because of black, you fought to be seen, heard, and recognized as equal.

Shame for shade,
It's nothing new.
But it's nothing right, and it must stop.

I've been loving my God a lot recently;
Loving the way He is so creative, loving the way He formed humanity.
Loving the way He made us all different, and yet all so beautiful, all in the image of Him.
The most dignifying image we will ever have.
It is an image that binds my mind and heart, one that puts boldness on my lips, that ignites me with Joy knowing that I am not in a cage.
You are not in a cage.
These souls of ours couldn't be held within this flesh, our being is not held in these walls.
Our value is not skin deep.
Our value is due to love; the love that flows from this God, who created us in beauty and dignity.

Shame for shade,
It can be healed.

Because of love, we are no longer caged.
Because of love, we can confess the past and plead forgiveness for the future.
Because of love, we can heal this flesh wound.
Because of love, we feel no shame.

Because of love, we are free to love.